Reflection on recent Aha moment

The Ancient Greek people conversed and drank together, often with soul food and drink to complete the social occasion. In these COVID 19 times, many creative ways are invited to bring connection.

Yesterday, I created a post in my other blog, suebayley30-3, and the topic was “ An Aha moment”. Overnight I slept soundly and woke with this reflection in my mind / heart.

In my soul travel, I went to one of my favourite places, Hawaii. Several of the my inner characters shared the journey. Terrified Tina and Miriam Mist had a private conversation about how the “scapegoat child” in the family, often changed their natural ways, to fit into their family of origin. I can recall that as a child, I gave myself a “gagging order”, after the impact of an incident that occurred as a very small child. My expression of choice had been sanctioned, and as a selective mute, I slipped quietly into the shadows of my being, and became hyper vigilant, and internalised my anger, and attempted to prevent any more chaos from my “wilful whims”. I learned that my natural rhythm disrupted the “people behind the masks”. I didn’t know why, I just perceived it better to “ adapt to how it is in this household “.

The pattern repeated itself 2-3 years later, with extended members of the same family. I spent an academic year in a different school, and acquired mumps. Due to complications and repressed trauma, I ended up in an oxygen tent, in hospital, fighting for the breath of life. I have since taught my inner child that it is ok to breathe freely.

At the same gathering, I overhead a conversation between three other characters of Little Willow, Near Miss Molly, and Silent Silkie, were conversing on body energies, perceptions of how we are seen in the the world. I recall how as a 17 year old teen, my body type was different to some of the taller members of my birth family, I negated the fact that I had a different pool of dna, ( my father was 5 inches shorter than my step-father), and attempted to make myself different. I lost two stone in 6 months, and my body, reacted by delaying menstruation for 18 months. My critic turned myself against my own tender body, in an acute attack of dysmorphia.

My tender self, feeling more self-loathing, slipped further into her shadowy domain. My playful, animated nature wound down and archived. Dysmorphic tendencies have plagued my life, it is another way that social conditioning impacts on me. Not quite making the mark says my inner critic.

Now as I give my primal muse, the pen, she says: “keep writing, painting, commenting on the human experience and your wisdom will prevail. One example of that is that as a 62 year old elder, like Helen Keller, before me, I have found a companion and a teacher, Helen found Anne Sullivan and I found my my intrinsic self, the child that wants to be bright, animated and bold. Yet my inner trembling child and troubled teen are observing from shadowlands.

How can I guide you to find your truth of who you are? How can I help you reside in your own sovereignty?

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